How are you?
Sometimes the polite answer to “How are you?” isn’t the one you should give – if it’s your doctor or a concerned family member who is asking. My mom, never one to complain, would always answer “Fine, thank you” whether she was feeling well or not. In later years, after the onset of rheumatoid arthritis when she really wasn’t feeling well at all, her answer changed to “Not too bad, thanks”. For her, I believe this probably led to a delay in treatment.
Many people will say they’re fine when they really aren’t – not wanting to be seen as a complainer – but there’s a way to say you’re not at your best without being whiny and to ask for help when you need it. Yesterday, at the milk cooler in the grocery store, an elderly woman asked if I might pass her a quart of milk – it was on the top shelf and I could see, from the way she was using the grocery cart for support, that she had some physical disabilities. Shoulder arthritis may have been one, balance might have been another. I was happy to help her out.
Staying composed
Our society values composure, especially in women. Being poised, regardless of the situation, is considered a virtue, a talent. At the opposite end of the spectrum, simply pouring out emotions with the goal of “purging” may not be the answer either. I think something between, expressing emotions or discussing problems with a trusted person, is a better plan especially when the goal is to work out a solution or at least a next step to take. Depending on the nature of the health problem, this person could be a sympathetic friend, family member or a healthcare professional.
Stress and muscles
Holding in emotions can actually affect your health. Hilary Jacobs Hendel, author of It’s Not Always Depression, describes how we change our breathing and contract certain muscles when we suppress emotions. Tension headaches are a result of spasms of muscles in the scalp, and many problems with back pain originate with muscle spasms along the spine or in the hip muscles. Dr. John Sarno, a rehab specialist physician in New York (now retired), has written extensively about the association between stress and back pain. He has noted that many of his patients would improve once they realized the likely origin of their back pain, especially when no structural cause could be found. He has suggested that the brain shunts blood away from an area of the body, creating pain and spasms, to distract us from the stress or emotion we want to suppress. Certainly an interesting explanation!
I’ve noticed that I carry my tension in my shoulders – usually I don’t even notice I’m tightening my shoulder muscles until they become achy and painful. The body systems that our subconscious brain chooses to block when we’re stressed vary from person to person, resulting in back or shoulder pain for some, headaches, or digestive problems for others. But even when the pain originates with an emotion, the pain is real and can be extreme.
And more...
Suppressing emotions can also cause other problems. Hendel says “Learning to be extremely composed meant we had to suppress natural, primal emotions, and blocking core emotions over time contributes to symptoms of anxiety, depression, and even addiction.” We can probably add cardiovascular disease, inflammatory diseases and maybe cancer and others to that list. Often, women choose composure and suppression of emotions rather than risk being labelled hysterical (note that “hyster” refers to anything concerning the uterus…). Generations ago, women’s emotions were thought to be associated with their hormonal cycle, hence the term “hysterical” – blame it all on the uterus! She notes that women in particular are at risk of feeling pressured not to express their pain, and observed in her 2001 study that women are more likely to have pain dismissed even by healthcare professionals as “emotional” or “psychogenic” (created by the mind) and, therefore, “not real.”
None of us are fine all the time. The harm to our health occurs when we keep up a stoic front, a “stiff upper lip”, and don’t seek the help we need for physical or emotional difficulties soon enough. The idea that you can and should distinguish between things you can control and those you cannot is a powerful way to cope when you really aren’t fine. Working on things you can change and getting help, when necessary, with those you cannot is a solid strategy to gain control of your life and help prevent stress-related illnesses.
References:
When Staying Composed Harms Your Health - Medium.com
It's Not Always Depression - Hilary Jacobe Hendel
Healing Back Pain - Dr. John Sarno
